Potential BreakUp Song
by TheSpiritOfHogwarts
Summary: Tired of Draco ignoring her Pansy decides to show him what he's missing. Unfortunately for her he doesn't react the way she expected.


Disclaimer: Nope, not rich, not famous, not J.K. Rowling

Author's Note: This is just a little funny songfic that popped into my head...it was eating my brain.

* * *

_Slap_

"What was that for?" Draco Malfoy exclaimed loudly.

"For that!" Pansy Parkinson shrieked, gesturing frantically towards the scantily clad brunette whose face Draco had only seconds before been attempting to suck off. "How dare you cheat on me!"

"We're not dating!" The exclaimed the exasperated blonde who desperately wanted to resume his previous activity.

"I'm tired of this, Draco!" Pansy continued on as if he hadn't said anything, "Well, I've had it: we're through! And to prove it to you I'm going to show you exactly what you'll be missing!" With that she turned on her heel and stomped off towards the next table, which happened to be the Gryffindor table, in what seemed to be a poor imitation of a 'powerful-yet-sexy' runway walk.

"What do you think she's gonna do?" Blaise Zabini asked from across the table.

"I don't know but I really hope it's not what I think it is" replied Draco, who had just noticed that Pansy was wearing the black leather outfit that she referred to as her 'rocker outfit'.

Blaise too noticed what Pansy was wearing and uttered a despairing, "Oh please, God, no!" Unfortunately, Pansy's way of 'showing Draco what he would be missing' was exactly what they had feared. Upon reaching the Gryffindor table she swept the food onto the floor, causing Ron Weasley to emit an indignant cry of "My chicken!" With much difficulty, caused mainly by her three inch heels and the Gryffindors' frantic attempts to stop her, she then clambered up onto the table, conjured up music and a microphone, and began to sing: 

"La la la la la  
La la la la la  
La la la la la la la"

"Ah! My ears!" Draco exclaimed loudly.

Across the table Blaise was saying frantically, "I think my eye's twitching! Draco, does my eye look funny to you?"

"It took too long it took too long it took too long  
For you to call back  
And normally I would just forget that  
Except for the fact it was my birthday  
My stupid birthday"

"Her birthday was in August!" Darco said staring at Pansy in disbelief "I got her a coupon for a free back wax!"

"My eye!" Blaise squawked madly "Draco! Draco! Look at me! How do I make my eye stop twitching?"

"I played along I played along I played along  
Rolled right off my back  
But obviously my armor was cracked  
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that  
Who would forget that"

"Boyfriend?!" Draco shrieked. Getting up he screamed at Pansy, saying, "We're not dating!"

"Why won't it stop twitching?" Blaise cried, banging his head against the table repeatedly.

"The type of guy who doesn't see  
What he has until she leaves  
Don't let me go  
'Cuz without me you know your lost  
Wise up now or pay the cost  
Soon you will know"

"You're not livin' 'til your livin'  
Livin' with me  
You're not winnin' 'til your winnin'  
Winnin' me  
You're not gettin' 'til your gettin'  
Gettin' me  
You're not livin' 'til your livin'  
Livin' for me"

"That's it!" snarled a very annoyed Draco Malfoy, "I'm getting out of here! Blaise! Escape plan Beta!" After a few seconds had passed without any response from his friend he turned, saying "Blaise?"

His friend remained completely oblivious to Draco, wildly flicking himself on the side of the head while muttering "Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"This is the potential breakup song  
Our album needs just one  
Oh baby please please tell me"

Deciding that he couldn't afford to wait for Blaise to recover, Draco slid under the table with a long suffering sigh and began to crawl under the Slytherin table towards the door. He made great progress until he managed to get his cloak stuck on a loose nail in the floor. 

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" He exclaimed exasperatedly "Hogwarts is an entirely magical school and they can't spare the two seconds it would take to swish a wand and make sure all the nails stay in the floor? Unbelievable!"

"We got along we got along we got along  
Until you did that  
Now all I want is just my stuff back  
Do you get that  
Let me repeat that  
I want my stuff back"

"You can send it in a box  
I don't care just drop it off  
I won't be home  
'Cuz without me you know your lost  
Minus you I'm better off  
Soon you will know"

_Yank_

"Come on, come on!" Draco muttered, tugging frantically at his cloak, "Please, please, please!"

_Yank_

"Come on, if you get unstuck I promise I'll wash you by hand and dry you on a clothesline?" Draco bargained, feeling that since desperate times called for desperate measures bargaining with his cloak was worth a shot.

_Yank Yank_

"Dang it! Stupid!"

_Yank_

"Bloody!"

_Yank_

"Cloak!"

_Yank Yank Yank_

"You're not livin' 'til your livin'  
Livin' with me  
You're not winnin' 'til your winnin'  
Winnin' me  
You're not gettin' 'til your gettin'  
Gettin' me  
You're not livin' 'til your livin'  
Livin' for me"

Eventually Draco had decided to abandon the cloak and had resumed his slow but steady journey towards the door and respite from the noise. Just as he had begun to think that escaping might not be so hard after all he reached a huge grape juice spill that covered the floor from one side of the table to the other. 

Resisting the urge to cry, he moaned, "Why does the world hate me?" Staring angrily at the spill he began to ponder the likelihood that it would move out of his way.

"You can try you can try  
You know I know it'd be a lie  
Without me you're gonna die  
So you better think clearly clearly  
Before you nearly nearly  
Bust up the situation that you're gonna miss  
Dearly dearly  
Come on"

"You can do this, Draco! Are you a man or a mouse! You are a Malfoy! Malfoys have courage!" Having finally decided that, no the spill would not move of its own accord Draco was now attempting to talk himself into going through it. Thus far he was failing miserably.

"Okay, I can do this!" He said and courageously crawled forward, speeding through the juice at a speed that would have made a Quidditch star proud. Reaching the other side he paused to assess the damage.

"Ew! Ew! Ewewew!" The 'fearless' Malfoy whimpered and he tried to brush off the juice. Though his attempts to clean himself failed miserably he managed to pull of a wonderful, if accidental, imitation of a seizure.

"You're not livin' 'til your livin'  
Livin' with me  
You're not winnin' 'til your winnin'  
Winnin' me  
You're not gettin' 'til your gettin'  
Gettin' me  
You're not livin' 'til your livin'  
Livin' for me"

Draco finally managed to reach the end of the table. However, now that he was there he found himself less than reluctant to venture out from the relative safety offered by the table into the dangerous open space that lay between him and the door. Searching his thoughts for an answer to the predicament he found himself reflecting that if he had made it through the sticky, stain-inducing death-trap that was the grape juice spill he could certainly make it to the door unnoticed. Gathering his courage he inched out from the table and began to run as he had never run before. As he fled he comforted himself with the thought of his empty dorm room, where he could spend the rest of dinner time curled safely in the fetal position without his roommates' knowledge.

"This is the potential breakup song  
Our album needs just one  
Oh baby please please tell me  
This is the potential makeup song  
Please just admit you're wrong  
Which will it be which will it be"

"La la la la la la  
La la la la la la  
La la la la la la la la la"

"Well, what did you think of that Draco?" Asked Pansy, looking towards the Slytherin table proudly. "Draco?" She asked uncertainly, looking around in an attempt to ascertain his location. Her roaming eyes finally lighted on Blaise, whose eye had miraculously ceased its twitching once the 'singing' had stopped. Wordlessly he pointed towards the door that Draco had fled through only moments before.

"Draco Malfoy!" Pansy shrieked, racing towards the door, all the while screaming out threats and explicatives. Upon her exit of the Great Hall the curses were replaced by a wordless howl of rage. No less than five minutes later Pansy's howls shrieks were joined by a series of girlish screams that could be coming from none but Draco Malfoy. Listening to his friend's yelps of pain Blaise couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. However, he felt that his sanity far outweighed Draco's personal safety in value.


End file.
